Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize