Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
