I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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