just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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