living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
