Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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