every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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