Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize