any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
