i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
