My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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