:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
This baby is an asshole
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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