we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
