I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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