She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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