saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize