Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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