made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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