I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
