shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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