once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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