He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize