We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
