Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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