just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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