Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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