A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
