how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
