OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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