hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
