I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
