Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
