If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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