Need sex. Gaining weight.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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