Michael Bay diarrhea
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Bring me that man meat
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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