She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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