I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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