When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
