it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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