You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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