The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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