Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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