I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
