Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
