My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So gin and wine won't be happening again
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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