On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
