Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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