i love accidental penises.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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