i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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