they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
