you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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