my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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