you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Everything about him screamed your future.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
