Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
