Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize