Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I touched a dick in church today
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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