My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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