If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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