Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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