I like to think it a success when the cops are called
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
