Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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